Ariel Panowicz - Le Bouillon
MARCH 25, 2020 © Right Here, Right Now.
"It’s hard to not be busy and to not be able to go and shoot, and typically when you have free time, like sure I’m updating my website and doing all of that but that doesn’t exactly take my mind off of things. And you know as creators, not being able to create feels scary and weird. My first trimester was a little bit rough and I had terrible nausea and so I already was kind of isolating for like two months, and literally last week I was like, “ I’m starting to feel good, I’m ready to get out there and see my people”, and so now I feel like I’ve been in quarantine for three months already.
Every day is a little bit different and every moment feels a little bit different but I’m just embracing the highs and the lows and trying to find gratitude in everything I can right now.
Being a creative at this time feels challenging and there are some things that have surprised me. Right now I honestly don’t feel very creatively fueled which is a foreign feeling for me to have. And I’m trying to embrace that and know that it’s okay and that it’s temporary. I like to be in people's faces when I photograph them so I don’t feel in a place that I can safely do that right now. And that feels like a hard thing to accept also. I think ultimately I’m reminding myself and other people who are experiencing what I am to not be so hard on ourselves. I think as creatives especially we are so hard on ourselves, and we have such high bars for ourselves, but this is such an unprecedented thing that we are all experiencing so I think that it’s important to remember that whatever you’re feeling in this moment is okay, and to know that it’s temporary, and that this too shall pass, and that you’ll be able to create again soon. Try not to be too hard on yourselves.
I have had a lot of time for self-reflecting. I think personally it’s very eye-opening to recognize my privilege in all of this. I think that it’s really easy to look at all of the scary things that are happening to me…it’s easy to concentrate on the negative things and those feelings are absolutely valid and absolutely going to come and be there and are definitely hard to steer away from, but I think ultimately I am so grateful that I have savings and that I trust and know that I have a strong community and support system around me. And although photography a lot of the times isn’t necessarily people's top priority when they’re struggling financially, I just have to trust that the love and support I give to my community, they will give back to me. I think Omaha is a really special and unique place in that people really do want to support you here. I trust that that will come back in whatever way it’s meant to whether that’s next year or in a few months when this is over, I know that Omaha is the kind of community that if you love it, it will love you back. So I think that if we all keep on loving on each other in whatever way we can right now, there is comfort in knowing and trusting that it will come back in some way or another. Being able to really reevaluate my life, and what I’m grateful for even the little triumphs every day is so important. It’s been really good for me to do that. And from the business standpoint, I’m redoing my website which I’ve literally been talking about wanting to do for so long, many years, and so it feels really good to be able to do that. I’m really reevaluating what it looks like to set myself up for something like this to happen in the future. I think as small business owners, freelancers, and creatives, I mean I’m a creative through and through, I’m not a business-savvy individual, so really realizing that nobody is going to set these things up for me and that they are important, and we just never think anything like this is going to happen, and so that’s been incredibly eye-opening and I think a very important lesson for me to learn. So really setting myself up with a proper safety net for my business, and it’s been interesting doing the things that I’ve said that I’ve wanted to do and never had time for…it’s been interesting seeing how long those things are actually taking me, and I’m like “Okay, yeah…it does take time to redo your website”. But ultimately I think it just comes back to the things we create in our mind we don’t prioritize for certain reasons so it’s cool to see how long the things I’ve been putting off for so long actually take, so I think it’s a good reminder for me and my business in the future to trust that I do have the time if I prioritize it.
I love people and I just love hugging them, and high fiving them and snuggling (laughs) and that part is hard. I think for me I notice the days that I do have more contact with people over facetime, zoom, or whatever I feel ultimately better at the end of the day. I’m so grateful that we live in a time that we have technology that we can still feel so connected to people in a time like this. I say this is a great opportunity to reach out to people you haven’t talked to in forever, and again that you haven’t prioritized and have always wanted to. It’s a great opportunity to connect with as many humans as you can and from that, we, of course, learn a lot about ourselves and other people and I think ultimately we are going to grow so much as the human race by all of this. It’s a weird juxtaposition of not being able to connect with people but also, in turn, having an unlimited amount of time to connect with people so I’m excited to see how humanity grows.
I just was noticing that freelancers and contracted workers and self-employed individuals were being left out of a lot of the conversations regarding aid and relief in a crisis like this and the more I was looking into it, the more I just couldn’t find any information. Everybody was telling me no there are no…they can’t apply for unemployment and they’re not going to be included in this aid and this was maybe about 7-8 days ago, and obviously so many changes every day but I just thought that wasn’t right. I think that freelancers get left out and fall through the cracks a lot of times. They aren’t necessarily considered a small business, so I just thought I’ll just start a petition to try and get in front of some people and for me, I really wanted to see how many people it was effected, and I think it’s almost at 10,000. Just so many conversations that have opened up around it have been great and hopefully, we’ll be able to…there has been some good movement around it and I know on the federal level they are loosening the unemployment eligibility to freelancers and people that haven’t necessarily paid into unemployment. But I just think every tax-paying citizen should be covered and ultimately it’s a state decision on who receives. Nebraska is so well funded so it’s been sad to me to see that the reason that people like us are being left out of aid is political systematic B.S. which is, unfortunately, the way it works in this country. But I think if we all use our voices and make a bit of a stink we’ll be included because there is absolutely no reason that we shouldn’t be.
Share the petition, sign the petition, and email the governor. The petition has been sent to Governor Ricketts and his team several times but the more people that speak up about any issue the better and the more attention it will get. So email the governor and keep it simple, and just say, “I’m a tax-paying freelancer, or citizen who contributes to the economic landscape of Nebraska and I deserve aid during this crisis”. And if anybody needs talking points or wants me to type it out for them message me.
It's a crazy time to be pregnant which I imagine anytime is…it feels crazy, it feels scary. There are already so many unknowns with having a baby, especially as a freelancer and small business owner, and that just feels very magnified right now. We’re very excited, the timing feels crazy but on the flip side it’s all nice to have something positive and happy to celebrate and it feels like a light right now for us and for our parents. Although we are doing things a bit differently, we’re having a gender reveal thing over zoom, but I don’t know, the things that I feel like I would typically feel sad about, I’m missing out on doing in person with people I don’t surprisingly feel sad about. I think that goes back to counting my blessings and feeling grateful for everything I can right now. So for me, it feels selfish and silly that I can’t have a gender reveal party with my family when there are far bigger problems in the world that I would rather put my energy towards helping and worrying about. But we’re excited, just trying to stay in the day when it comes to that because, yeah, as I said, there are already so many unknowns, and paired with all of the other unknowns that are happening right now it’s easy to go down the tunnel of “what if’s?” and I’m sure everybody is experiencing this, that just doesn’t help and isn’t a good idea. It's so important as hard as it is right now to just try to stay in the moment and just look at the next 24 hours, if you can get through the next 24 hours that’s all that matters because you can’t predict the future.
I think honoring how I’m feeling in the moment gives me strength. I constantly go through, “Be positive, honor your feelings, it’s okay, this that and the other”, talking myself through how I should be feeling. You know, being hard on myself, if I don’t feel like I’m being strong…and I think that just honoring how I’m feeling all the time, whether it’s strong, sad, or scared or having my moments of happiness, I think it’s okay and for me, I’m just trying to not feel guilty about how I’m feeling because I always try and be a strong person and it’s strong to be vulnerable, and there is so much strength in vulnerability, and just reminding myself not to be hard on myself and know that whatever I’m feeling is okay.
I’m very passionate about what I do and everything I do is centered around my love for whats my business, and as a creative and when you own your own business, of course, it’s your whole life, it’s hard to find that separation and that balance. I think that's why right now feels so challenging is because in times of weakness or when you are going through something hard we dive into our work more and we create. And so, I think this time is important for me to remind myself that it isn’t everything and to really look inward and discover some things about myself that I wouldn’t have been able to if I didn’t have this time off. We just get in such a hustle mode which is all a lot of us know. My husband will be like, “ Wow, You have really been working a lot”, and I’m like “I have?” because we just don’t even think about it as work and so it’s hard to find that separation, but in times like this, it's a good opportunity to do some soul searching and some self-reflecting and I think a lot of us creatives don’t let us do that a lot of the time. So it’s been good. Looking inward at yourself is hard, always, no matter what. And paired with everything else that's going on now it feels even harder. But when you stop trying to fight it and lean into it you’ll discover some good things about yourself.
A lot of the conversations that I’m having with people are that they feel that they should or shouldn’t feel a certain way and that they’re trying to be strong, and I think right now it’s okay to be scared, it’s okay to not know what lies ahead because you don’t know, none of us do. Try to find comfort in the fact that we are all going through this together. We’re all going to help uplift each other again when we can, and know that it’s temporary. Don’t concentrate so much on, “When is this going to end? What’s going to happen?” try to stay in the moment and not be too hard on yourself and know that it’s temporary.
Just be yourself. So a few years ago I had to get surgery for something and I was down and out from October basically through the end of the year and it was really hard. I couldn’t create, and I felt isolated, and I got way too wrapped up in the comparison game which is way to easy to do with social media and I wasn’t feeling super happy with my work and I felt like my work should have looked more like these other people who had more followers and I went back and re-edited a bunch my work to look more like the style that was going on at the time and it just didn’t feel right. And I really sat with it and really thought about it and I knew that I had a choice. I could either follow the trend or I could stay true to myself and keep going on the path that I was going and go at it even more. And I decided to go with the second option and the second that I did and that I accepted this is my work, this is my style, this is how I like it to look, you know…this is who I am. There was a shift in my work and my business started picking way up and I felt creatively fueled and I wanted to explore and try new things and really define the style I had been working for, at that time, the last 7 years. It lit a fire in me and opened doors for me, and connected me with things inside myself and in the community that I never knew I was capable of. And yeah I think especially as a woman, I think it’s hard, especially as a photographer or creative in general…this day and age everybody’s like “Oh you’re a photographer, yeah who isn’t”? and you’re like, “Can you at least look at my images first at least?” (Laughs) So I think that you just have to be bold in the choices that you make and not be afraid. I still have imposter syndrome, every time I go to a shoot I’m so nervous and I’m like “Welp, I hope I didn’t forget how to do everything”? (Laughs) And my husband is like, “ Can we like stop…”. Cause I will get home and be like “I have to download right now, I have to cull, I have to look at everything to make sure that I got one good shot!” (Laughs) But you know that’s real, and I think that you have to let that drive you instead of letting it cripple you, because ultimately if you go for whatever you want to create…I mean god you guys know…if you have a wacky idea, again you have a choice, you can either say “Fuck it, I’m going to do this weird shit and create a circle around me of people that will help me make it happen”, what's the worst that’s gonna happen? Other people might be like “ You’re fuck’n weird.” Then “Okay great, yeah I am, these are my people, you don’t have to be one of them.” (Laughs) But I think for me that has really helped me solidify me as a businesswoman and you learn all the other stuff along the way, but I think if you're strong and confident in the work that you’re creating and you feel good about it and it feels good in your heart, then your business will succeed. I really believe that I think that if you’re being true to yourself and authentic in who you are and the connections that you make and your love and passion for what you do it will all come together.
I think especially in Omaha, the community is everything. Relationships and building relationships is so important. On a business level, it’s really important, on a personal level you just never know what relationship will come back in a positive way to help you or hire you. It’s important to not burn bridges. I think that for me, I said it before but, Omaha specifically is really the type of place where if you love your community they will love you back. Just love on people, and they’ll love you back. It’s a win-win. You’re loving on them and supporting them and they will support you back. Just build relationships with people, reach out to people that inspire you, ask them to get coffee, ask them to hop on a call. I think meeting with people face to face is so important, especially in this day and age. It’s so easy to get lost on the internet, and I think it’s easy to lose sight, especially these days. Be with people. Be vulnerable with people, ask them for their input on how to build a business. Tell them what you're struggling with. Every single person has had a mentor and for the most part, unless you're like the worst, you want to help people. But you know, like everybody has had to lean on and learn from somebody else, every single person, and if anybody tells you different…they’re lying. So lean on people, ask people for advice. I think the best way to learn is by doing it…so create, get out there, try new shit, get weird, and meet up with people. You just never know what you’ll learn by meeting up and having conversations with people. So don’t be afraid, it can be intimidating, but just reach out to them and the worst thing they can say is “No”, then you can block them forever (Laughs) Just kidding.
It feels like a weird and hard time also to be a photographer because, on one hand, I’m running some specials, like I’m doing a discounted rate on any sessions booked right now for any time in the future and then I’m also donating %50 of any sales I make basically this entire year to nonprofits and just organizations in the community. And same with mentor sessions, prints, or books, whatever people buy. It feels like a weird time to be like pushing my sales, do you guys experience that? Mentor sessions are a great thing right now, we can do them on FaceTime and I think it’s fun for people to be able to learn and talk so I have a discounted rate off that, those feel good to push I guess. And then I’m going to be putting together a collection of my funky editorial stuff and selling prints from that and I’ll do a percent of sales of those."
